


If I

by jeonghoism



Series: this is a chan loving household [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Chwe Hansol | Vernon is Whipped, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Chan | Dino-centric, M/M, Past Relationship(s), but not too much because i’m weak, ex boyfriend seungkwan, hansol is chans current boyfriend, i gave channie love last story time to destroy him, rated teen because i cuss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25811116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeonghoism/pseuds/jeonghoism
Summary: Chan meets his ex-boyfriend Seungkwan in the canned food section of the grocery store and everything comes flooding back
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Lee Chan | Dino, Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Lee Chan | Dino
Series: this is a chan loving household [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1871608
Comments: 10
Kudos: 72





	If I

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't based off If I i just thought it kinda fit so im rolling with it

Chan is surveying a can of baked beans when he sees a can rolling by his foot. Like a normal civilian, he picks it up and goes to hand it to whoever dropped it, but falls short when he looks up and sees him.

Seungkwan.

The man who made his life the happiest it had ever been years ago.

He felt his heart drop to his stomach and resisted the urge to cry. Seungkwan looks the same, eyes downcasted and his hands are fidgeting behind his back. Chan couldn't help but notice how he looks just as beautiful as he did all those years ago, maybe even more so. 

Hair now dyed red, falling in his forehead cutely, and cheeks still plump and made Chan’s heart squeeze. His lips are still perfectly pouty but they're quivering.

“Hi.” Chan starts, voice slightly above a whisper, but Seungkwan still flinches and Chan couldn't help but frown.

“Hi.” Seungkwan said back, short and he fell silent again. The air is so tense and it feels hard to breath. Chan hands him the can of peaches that he dropped, peaches Chan remembering to be his favorite despite the fact he would complain about the amount of sugar in them.

“He dropped this.” Seungkwan takes the can and grips it in his hands, stabilizing himself so he doesn't break down. Chan feels the need to leave, and he tries but before he could turn away he hears a soft noise. He looks at Seungkwan, whose cheeks are burning.

“Excuse me?” Chan asks and Seungkwan takes a deep breath before finally looking up. The moment they make eye-contact, Chan is blown away. He feels a wave of emotion pour on him like a bucket of cold water. Every memory they spent together flashes before his eyes and Chan grips his hands, fingernails threatening to break skin. 

“H-how have you been?” Seungkwan asks again, looking like he regrets asking already, ready to apologize and flee. Chan wills himself to not do the same.

“I-I’ve been fine...happy.” He says after some thought and Seungkwan sighs in relief, something that makes his heart threaten to break again. He cares. He still cares, and that enough makes Chan feel terrible.

“That's good.” Seungkwan looks more comfortable, lighter.

“You?” Chan asks back, and Seungkwan also stops to think.

“Okay...I’ve been okay.” Chan also feels relieved, but something still weighs him down.

“Better than…” Chan can't bring himself to finish his sentence but Seungkwan gets it, smiling sadly.

“Yes, better than when we broke.” He answers and the past is now the present and suddenly Chan is in their apartment when he was still in college and Seungkwan is crying in front of him. 

“I’m glad.” He manages to say, and Seungkwan notices his turmoil. He hesitates but he puts a hand on his shoulder.

“It was for the better.” Seungkwan reassures him and he knows it, he knows it more than anyone. Seungkwan didn't blame him, even after years of dating and Chan single-handedly shattering both his and his own hearts by speaking a couple words, he didn't blame him. 

“Yeah, but I just can't help but-” Chan was feeling way too many emotions at once and couldn't form what he wanted to say into words, sentences jumbling in his head and coming out incoherent. Seungkwan nods and hums, pats his shoulder reassuringly even though in any other situations he would pull him in his arms and comfort him. But they weren't like that anymore, more wall built in between than before they first met.

“I know, it's ok.” He whispered and Chan shed some tears that Seungkwan didn't wipe away. He wiped them with his sleeves himself, sniffling and hoping more tears wouldn't fall. Chan felt his throat clog up and he couldn't talk, words drowned out by sadness before they could make it out.

“We wouldn't be happy if we stayed together.” Seungkwan reminded, and it was the truth. The first couple years were wonderful, sharing their first everythings. Kisses, apartment, first times. They were so happy, the happiest people in the world they liked to think, but more anniversaries passed by and things got rockier.

They didn't realize that their personalities clashed. They disagreed on so many things, arguments becoming more common and one of them would have to sleepover at one of their friend's houses because they would get so heated. It went on for months, but they always somehow wandered back to each other, and clung to each other for dear life even though the world wanted them apart. 

Their feelings were hurt, their hearts chipped and they couldn't heal them together because they would always make things worse. Their friends would tell them to break up, plead for them to leave each other because they were tired seeing each other either at each other’s throats or crying for each other. Chan finally listened when Jeonghan physically broke down and cried for him to end things with him.

With his heart at his feet, he went home that day and called Seungkwan to meet him in the living room when he got home, suitcase tucked to his side and plans to stay with Seokmin. Seungkwan was immediately alarmed at the suitcase and his somber expression, and Chan was forced to watch him slowly get swallowed by darkness when he broke the news. 

Chan has the scene tattooed to his brain and it would replay on his worst nights after the incident. Seungkwan screamed, cried, and Chan didn't console him, knowing if he did, leaving would be harder than it already was. All he did was repeat apologies under his breath while Seungkwan crumpled to the floor, drowning in his own tears. 

Seungkwan didn't fight back, didn't beg for Chan to stay with him, didn't do any of that because Seungkwan isn't dumb and knows that their situation was beyond repair unless one of them changed themselves, and that is something he didn't want no matter how much he loved Chan. 

No, all he did was cry until his throat hurt from wailing and until he was out of tears, letting Chan leave without resistance. And everything fell on them at once, reality dawning on them. They were now disconnected, no longer together, something they promised each other would never happen under the covers of their once shared bed with giggles falling from their lips. 

Chan whimpers, and nodded.

“I'm so sorry.” He apologized, like that night, even though he didn't have anything to apologize for, but Seungkwan took those words anyway, like they healed him.

“It's ok.” He said for the umpteenth time because Chan still thinks it's his fault. Maybe he changed, been more soft spoken and calm to mesh well with Seungkwan’s boisterous personality, someone who didn't find the need to fight back for no reason. Just someone that could make Seungkwan happy.

Seungkwan flicked his forehead.

“You better not be thinking what I think you are.” And even after years, Seungkwan can still read him. Seungkwan tutted.

“I was happy with you. Happy for years. I loved you for you, stupid. Don't think you had to change yourself to make me happy, idiot.” Seungkwan scolded, narrowing his eyes at him, and Chan let out a breathy laugh.

“I was happy with you too.” He wasn't lying when he said he thought he was the happiest person in the world. Seungkwan simply waiting for him to come home so they could have dinner together made him bubble with warmth. All the little things piled up and made him infinitely happy. 

Until it didn't he thought bitterly, when things started crumbling in his hands, the bad overtaking the good. 

Seungkwan hummed. And they fell silent again, before Seungkwan spoke again, his next words delivering the finishing blow on his already wounded heart.

“I missed you.” He said softly, and he meant it with every part of his being. Chan was stunned, and he felt like crying again. Seungkwan sputters, looking bewildered, the words falling from his mouth before he could process them.

“I'm so sorry, that was so out of li-”

“I missed you too.” Chan smiled, but tears fell down his face. Seungkwan matched his smile, but he's cried enough for Chan so his face still stays clear. Seungkwan pulls him in a hug, swaying them back and forth and Chan lets him, completely forgetting their still in the canned food section at his local grocery store.

“This is going to be the last hug we’re ever going to share.” And Chan nods into his shoulder. It was a silent contract. They were going to be strangers from today on, pass by each other without saying anything, live their own lives with this encounter being a memory they could look back on when they decide to reminisce on when they were young, already gray and old with someone else in their lives. 

They pull away and Chan has stopped crying. He tries to apologize for the wet stain on Seungkwan’s coat but he waves him off and puts the can of peaches in his shopping cart before rolling away without looking back. Chan watches him disappear out of the aisle and calms down, finishes his own shopping, ignoring the cashier eyeing him weirdly because he has tear stains on his cheeks and his eyes are red.

He drives home and to his apartment, unlocking the door and is greeted with a wide smile.

“Welcome back.” And Chan’s heart swells up, stomach fluttering and he drops the groceries on the floor, slamming himself into their strong body, arms wrapping around him.

“I'm home, Sollie.” And Hansol brings his hands up to cup Chan’s cheeks, eyebrows furrowing when they're sticky and wet. Chan’s breath hitches, but he doesn't comment on it and just presses a kiss on his lips. 

“Let's start making dinner.” And they do. Hansol doesn't bring it up for the rest of the day, even putting metal spoons into the freezer for Chan later. The younger clings onto him for the entire time when they're watching stupid shit on Hansol’s laptop, whispering I love you over and over. Hansol laughs every time and says I love you back, not getting tired of saying it even though he's said it ten times already in the last 15 minutes. Even then, Chan still feels like he's floating, butterflies freely flying around him when he looks at Hansol like he hung the stars up in the sky.

And Hansol did for Chan. When the sky crushed his body and he felt like he was suffocating, Hansol came saving him with his million watt smile and kind words. Hansol looked at him and honey was dripping with how much love he was staring back with. Chan feels like this could last him forever, and he's felt like this before, with Seungkwan, but this feels different. He imagines them growing old together, when they're old and wrinkly and living at a house by the beach because Hansol loves the smell of the sea. He imagines them meeting each other again in another life, maybe not in Korea but somewhere else, but Chan still manages to fall in love with Hansol’s sparkly eyes, and Hansol falls in love with his loud laugh.

This feels mutual, like he isn't the only one thinking about their future together.

He tells Hansol about Seungkwan that night, when they're getting ready to sleep. He tells him everything, from the day they met to a couple hours ago at the grocery store, and Hansol listens, all while drawing shapes on the small of Chan’s back as they're cuddling, Chan’s head tucked in his chest. Chan cries, but Hansol is there to wipe his tears away and makes sure to give him a kiss for every tear that falls from his eyes, and Chan feels warm again.

Chan knows Seungkwan would love Hansol, maybe fall in love with him too, and if he was too late and Seungkwan was the one to get Hansol before him, Hansol would love him too and it would be Seungkwan in his arms rather than him. He couldn't help but feel like that, because there is so much to like about Seungkwan and so much to like about Hansol.

He laughs when the kisses start to tickle and there's not a doubt in his mind that he loves Hansol with all of his heart. When he thinks of Seungkwan, his heart aches painfully, but that feeling gets immediately washed away when he thinks of Hansol.

“What's on your mind?” Hansol asks when Chan starts spacing out, and Chan bites his lip. He tells him about what he thinks about him and Seungkwan. Hansol laughs.

“I don't know how to feel about my boyfriend thinking I would fall in love with his ex.” And Chan pouts.

“He's like me, we have almost of the same personality, and he's very easy to like, I just think that-”

“Does he have a loud ass laugh that I can somehow point out even when we're hanging out with our friends and we’re all laughing?”

“Well no but-”

“Does he dance so well that it makes me swoon?”

“No but-”

“Does he make dances just for me based on my music preferences and is patient with me as he’s teaching said dances?”

“No-”

“Well that's funny because those happen to be all the reasons why I fell in love with you.” Chan is a blushing mess, hides his head in Hansol’s chest and whines.

“I get it, you're utterly and completely in love with me.” He mutters, does his best to tease but Hansol chuckles and kisses his hair.

“I am.” And Chan groans.

“You're so gross.”

“Only gross for you.” And Chan punches his chest, causing him to laugh more. Chan calms down and closes his eyes.

Seungkwan would always be a presence in his life, even after all the bullshit they went through and how much everything hurts. Tattooed on Chan’s heart was Seungkwan’s name, and it wasn't temporary. The mere mention of his name made his heart throb and bleed

Hansol tucks his chin on Chan’s head, laughter dying down as he feels Chan’s breathing relax and become rhythmic. After a couple minutes, when Hansol is sure Chan is asleep, he whispers before going to sleep.

“I would fall in love with you no matter what. Even when we’re old and wrinkly and even in our next lives and our lives beyond that, I would always love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> did i make yall sad? because im fucking sad
> 
> also i was listening to whats good while writing this 
> 
> OH AND THE END???WHEN HANSOL SAID THAT TO CHAN WHEN HE WAS ASLEEP??? if you didn't realize, chan mentioned saying that it feels like they're both thinking about their future and that it didn't feel one sided and ITS WASNT BECAUSE SOL WAS THINKING THE SAME THING


End file.
